Crimson Cap Ladies Catch a Con

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That's the playwright, Chris, on the right, in the role of Eunice in a production of the play in 2015.

- photo courtesy of Ken Matthias

Click to see a review of the Calmar Prairie Players performance of this hilarious play.

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Act 1, Scene 1

Millie: Oh my, I can’t wait for the Crimson Cap Ladies meeting today! This is going to be a hoot! We should change our name to Crimson Cap Hooters! He he he.
(She places the punch on a sideboard and takes a glass, fills the punch serving scoop with punch and drinks from the scoop. She puts the glass back with the rest and takes a remote from her pocket and aims it at her stereo. Loud music is heard. She starts bopping again and heads back to the kitchen. When she returns, she is carrying a tray of brownies. She dances over to the sideboard, smells them and frowns.
She puts them beside the punch.
 

Millie: Dang! How could I have been so stupid? I spilled oregano into the brownie mix. They smell kind of funny. (She puts the brownies down and tastes one.) Well they still taste like chocolate so they’ll get eaten. They do taste a bit strange, however. Nobody will notice, knock on wood. (She knocks on the table.) Come in! Oh silly me! That was me!
 

(There’s a knock at the exterior door.)
 

Millie: (Looking at her fist) Now wait a minute was that me, too? (Another knock) Oh! Coming! (She runs to the door turning the music off with the remote.)
 

Act 1, Scene 2
 

Esther: Hello, Millie. How are you, my dear?
 

Millie: I am swell! If I were any more excited about the meeting today, I’d be seriously incontinent.
 

Esther: That’s why I came. I thought you might need some help before everyone else arrives.
 

Millie: What would I need kelp for? That’s sea weed. You were very explicit when you said I could host this meeting but with ‘No weed’.
 

Esther: I said ‘help’, not ‘kelp’. I see your hearing isn’t much better, even with your new hearing aid.
 

Millie: I hear most things with it, besides it was a real bargain. It was only twenty bucks.
 

Esther: Twenty bucks? What kind is it?
 

Millie: (Looks at her watch.) It’s a quarter to two. Esther, can you please take the paper plates and stuff out of the bag and put them out on the table? I have to check on my rice crispy squares.
 

Esther: Rice crispy squares? You went all out! I will tend to the plates.
 

Millie: I also made some chocolate brownies. Maybe try one and tell me what you think.
 

Esther: I am on a diet but luckily I consider chocolate to be a vegetable.
 

Millie: I’ll be right back.
 

(Esther putters about, putting out the plates etc. then gets to the chocolate brownies. She inhales their aroma greedily but immediately reacts to the smell. She gingerly takes one and smells it again.)
 

Esther: Oh my gosh these smell peculiar. Surely Millie wouldn’t have… (She goes to take a bite, then stops herself.) What was I thinking? I have to keep vigilant! I am the leader of the Crimson Cap ladies and have to monitor our group activities to keep them on the up and up. Maybe I should save this for evidence, just in case. (She puts the brownie in a napkin and is just in the midst of guiltily putting it in her purse when Millie returns.)
 

Millie: (Comes in carrying a pan of rice crispies and a plate of cookies.) I have more goodies here.
 

Esther: Oh! I was just… umm… These brownies have an interesting aroma!

Millie: Thank you, I think my home is interesting, too. I decorated it myself.
 

Esther: I might have guessed that, actually. No, what I was talking about was… (A loud knock on the door interrupts her.)
 

Millie: Oh good! More guests! Oh I do love company. (She goes to the door and opens it. Grace enters.)
 

Eunice: I’m not sure. Maybe Leona’s brownie is starting to affect her.
 

Esther: Maybe not. Chrys, dear, when you ate the brownie, could you identify the odd flavor?
 

Chrys: There was an odd flavor?
 

Grace: Yes, you couldn’t help but notice it.
 

Chrys: I couldn’t?
 

Esther: Let’s give her another one and ask her as she’s eating it. I’m not sure she is all there.
 

Leona: Where’s the rest of her? Hehehehe!
 

Grace: We could check the lost and found at the aquatic center. HAHAHAHA!
 

Eunice: I was ripped off. I don’t feel anything.
 

Chrys: Have you tried encounter groups?
 

Esther: Here, Chrys, try another brownie and think very carefully about what it tastes like.

Chrys: I am supposed to be on a diet you know. Actually, I’m on two diets. I have found that one diet just doesn’t give me enough food.

Leona: I think I am going to switch to the all rice crispy square diet. These things are delicious!
 

Grace: I know! I can’t get enough of them. If I wasn’t so polite I’d polish them all off.
 

Esther: Never mind these two, Chrys, just have enough of a bite to really taste it.

Eunice: Now tell us all the flavors you can taste.
 

Chrys: I can taste chocolate… and… sugar… and walnuts. Oh no! Walnuts!
 

Esther: What’s the matter with walnuts?
 

Chrys: I’m allergic!
 

Leona: What happens to you?

Chrys: I faint.
 

Eunice: Why didn’t you faint after the first one?
 

Chrys: Because I… (faints on floor)

Grace: That wasn’t much of an explanation.

Esther: Oh dear, we have to get her onto the couch. Grace, Leona, can you try and help poor Chrys? Eunice, you help them out by keeping Chrys’ head protected. The last thing I need on my service record is a broken neck. I’m going to find Millie and get this meeting going.  (Exits to Hallway)
 

Act 2, Scene 5

Grace: Do you want the top half or the bottom?
 

Leona: You mean like heads or tails? (They both giggle)
 

Eunice: If you two are going to be like that I am going to have another brownie. (She stuffs one in her mouth and a couple in her pocket.)
 

Grace: Come on Eunice. You have to hold her head while we hoist her up. Leona, you grab her arms.
 

Leona:  Oh sure, give me the heavy half.
 

Grace: Fine, Grab her legs. I don’t really care. I just want to get this done so we can relax and have snacks.

(After a great deal of comedic maneuvering, they get her on the couch.)

 

Grace: I’m curious, too, why Eunice was so intent on making sure Don couldn’t talk when he regained consciousness.
 

Leona: If he regains consciousness.

Millie: Actually, I would have to say that in the scrap, Eunice looked to be the aggressor.
 

Leona: I kind of thought that too but didn’t want to say anything.
 

Mrs. Garnet: I am not certain what I saw but I do know it seemed rather odd as far as the timing of the assault.
 

Esther: What was it Don asked you before the alleged attack, Eunice?
 

Eunice: Well, ummmm er… Why are you all ganging up on me?
 

Grace: From meeting both of you today, I have to say I trust Don more than I’d trust Eunice. There’s something strange about her and not Millie-strange but scary-strange.
 

Eunice: I tell you what. I’ll check on him and see if he’s okay. (She gets up to go to Don but the rest intercept her.)
 

Esther:  I don’t think so. Girls, keep an eye on Eunice. I’m going to wake up Don and we’ll get to the bottom of this right now.
 

(Suddenly there’s another scuffle with Eunice fighting off the women when his wig comes off. The girls are momentarily stunned which allows Eunice to leap on Don and pat him down until she finds a gun.)
 

Eugene: I figured I’d find this on him.
 

Millie: Oh my gosh! Was Don the escaped convict?
 

Eugene: No you stupid broad. I am.

All: Oh my gosh! He’s got a gun!
 

Esther: A gun? Okay! Okay! You can join the group! You can even second all the motions you wish!
 

Eugene: I don’t want to join your crazy womens club. I was going nuts just listening to you. I just needed a place to lay low until my buddies come.
 

Millie: Your buddies? You have buddies?
 

Leona: Your buddies are coming here? Oh dear!
 

Chrys: “Never, under any condition, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.”

Grace: Oh my gosh, look at the time. I forgot to mention I have a nail appointment this afternoon.
 

Eugene: Nobody ain’t going nowhere.
 

Mrs. Garnet: You just used a triple negative. Therefore, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
 

Eugene: Let me clarify it for you. If you make a move for the door, you’ll feel a lead slug in the back of your skull before you could even touch the knob.
 

Mrs. Garnet: Yes, much clearer. Thank you.
 

Millie: How did you know Don would be carrying a gun?
 

Eugene: I guessed that he was some kind of undercover cop. I figured he would have to be armed.
 

Millie: You mean when he patted me down in the bedroom, he was just doing police business?
 

Leona: Sounds more like monkey business.
 

Esther: (Sadly) He didn’t pat me down. (Hautily) I mean… He didn’t pat me down!