The Crimson Cap Ladies Take On Vegas

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Act 1, Scene 1

As the action begins, Esther enters, followed by Grace, then Millie, and finally Leona burst into the room and bang into each other, amid cries of “Ow!” and “Hey!” etc. 

Esther: Turn a light on for crying out loud. We look like the four stoogettes. Here’s the light switch… (lights up) Ahh there we are. Much better. 

Grace: It would be better if you weren’t standing on my foot. 

Esther: Oh. Sorry. You were only using the bottoms anyway. 

Leona: Don’t stop in the entry-way, Millie. I don’t want you to get rear-ended while I’m carrying my umbrella. 

Grace: Don’t worry, Leona, it would be the most action Millie’s had in years. 

Millie: Well, actually, just last week at the Over 80 Speed Dating Night at the senior’s centre, I met a wonderful man named Harold who had the largest… 

Grace: Please Millie, we don’t need to know the specifics of your new friend. I am aghast over 80 speed dating is a thing. 

Millie:  …largest collection of accordion music I’ve ever seen. Without speed-dating, I might not have known about a deal-breaker like that for weeks. Folks at our age don’t have a lot of time left to develop relationships. Speed dating is becoming all the rage for us. 

Esther: That’s fine, Millie, but we don’t want any more details about your sordid wrinkle exchange program. Okay, let’s get settled ladies, this is going to be a wonderful Crimson Cap outing. Here we are at the Crimson Cap International Convention and Bake Sale like we always dreamed of attending. 

Grace: I have never dreamed of it, to be honest. It may come as a shock to you but my best dreams don’t involve any of you three, I can assure you. I’m more worried about Millie. Not only was it risky, not to mention, illegal, to sneak her into the country, but she seems more befuddled than ever, which is saying a lot with Millie. 

Millie: I’m sorry I forgot to mention the criminal record! It’s been so long ago, I’ve forgotten all about it. 

Leona: Millie, your last possession charge was only a month ago. It’s a wonder that man let you through at the airport. He did look pretty hung over, mind you. 

Millie: He said I remind him of his dead great-grandmother. I wasn’t sure how I should take that and told him so. He got all embarrassed and handed back all my documents and now we’re here. So let’s just have fun! 

(Knock at the door) 

Leona: Quick! Get the door! It might be Millie! 

Esther: And just who do you think you’re ordering around? 

Leona: Oh for heaven’s sake. I’m not ordering anyone around! Heaven forbid you should do something someone’s asked you. It might even be that Capo de Queen Tut you want to meet so badly. 

Esther: What? The Capo di Tutti Capi! Oh dear! Do I have food on my face? 

Grace: Oh for heaven’s sake. (She goes to the door and looks through the peephole.) Oh my gosh, it’s not Millie. It’s a hotel maid, I think. What should I do? 

Leona: Let her in. She might have information about Millie. 

Grace: Okay, but this is the sketchiest maid I’ve ever seen. (She opens the door.) 

Maid:  (A poorly disguised Detective Gruber using a bad Scandinavian accent enters and begins dusting with a feather duster) Hello! How are you all this evening? My name is Greta and I was sent to do some… um… maiding and stuff, you know? Don’t mind me. Just carry on with whatever you were talking about. 

Esther: I think you have the wrong room… I’m sorry what did you say your name was? 

Maid:  It is Heidi. I am sure this is the right room. 

Grace: Hey, wait a minute. I thought you said your name was Greta, not Heidi.

Maid: Greta, Heidi, Brynhilde, one of them Scandahoovian names. So did you ladies have any interesting adventures at the bake-sale today? 

Leona: I bought some kale dip. 

Maid: On purpose? 

Esther: Look, buddy, I don’t know what you are up to but I don’t buy for a minute that you’re a maid or even a woman. What’s the big idea spying on us like this? 

Detective Gruber: Dang. I can’t believe I blew my cover already. Okay. You got me. My name is Detective Gruber of the LVPD. It’s my first day on the job. 

Grace: So what’s with the ridiculous maid outfit, Detective Goober? 

Detective Gruber: That’s Gruber. I am hoping to be a master of disguises some day but I’m just apprenticing right now. Here’s my badge. 

Grace: That’s your air miles card. 

Detective Gruber: Oh.. sorry. There. I think that’s it. 

Leona: Why would you be interested in us? 

Esther: As leader, Leona, I think I should ask the questions. So, Detective… what was it? Tuber? What makes you so interested in us? 

Grace: That’s an excellent question, Esther. 

Leona:  It was my question! 

Esther:  Now’s not the time for choosing who gets all the glory, Leona. Good heavens. It’s not always about you. 

Detective Gruber: I am investigating criminal activity in this hotel which I am not at liberty to discuss the details of, but it is big stuff. I’m in charge of the case. My first one as a detective! Did I mention that? 

Leona: Yes, you did say this was your first day on the job. Must be exciting to be thrown into a big case like this! (Goes up to him and rubs his arm.) Come on, you can tell us what it’s all about. We won’t say anything. 

Detective Gruber: I’m sorry but I swore a solemn oath to uphold all the detectivy stuff. 

Esther:  Ladies, please. We have a real mystery on our hands and we need to figure out what’s going on. Goober said this Big Louie had been spotted leaving our room! Does that mean the Capo di Tutti Capi is Big Louie? 

Leona:  Well, her name is Louisa… Louie… Louisa 

Esther:  Millie, do you remember when those two people were in the room if they ever referred to Big Louie as a he or a she? 

Millie:  Funny you should mention that. I was actually wondering about it while I was listening in but it never came up. Apparently I have been vindicated. I told Esther those two people were Big Louie’s henchmen. 

Grace:  Forget what you told Esther, tell us now about those two and we will listen. 

Millie:  Say you’re sorry for doubting me. 

Grace:  What? Come on, Millie. This is serious. Just tell us what you heard.

Millie:  Not until both you and Esther apologize. You thought I was a crackpot. 

Esther: Well, after that ridiculous story about phoning Tom Cruise. 

Millie:  Tom Cruz Cruz C R U Z. He’s my Mexican gardener. He comes in and trims that big bush I have in the yard. You thought I was talking about Tom Cruise the actor? What do you think I am, demented? (Mumbled “yeah… kinda… sorta etc”) Why are you all looking at me like that and nodding? 

Grace:  You’re right, Millie, you never do or say anything out of the ordinary whatsoever. Right girls? (they smile sheepishly and nod just like before with mumbled yeah… kinda… sorta) I just want to say here and now I am sss… ssso…. sorr… Okay, I may have erred when I didn’t believe your story about the guy with the strong light. 

Esther: Well I’m not too big a person to admit when I am wrong. Millie,  I am very, very sorry Grace didn’t believe you. 

Leona:  Can we just get to the important part? What did they say about who this Big Louie person is? If Louisa is mixed up with diamond smugglers, we need to know. 

Grace: Of course! That’s why she doesn’t want us to open the lock box until we get to our homes. It’s likely filled with diamonds. There will probably be some thugs just waiting to steal it the moment we get home. 

Millie:  I hope they leave my bush alone. 

Esther:  It’s not about you, Millie. I am the one in jeopardy here. 

Millie:  You’re going to be on Jeopardy? Cool! I love that show! I just love Pat Sajak!