The ladies end up on another exciting adventure when Esther accidentally books the club into a nudist camp instead of a similarly-named church camp. The situation is made more tense with Grace's virginal, trapline-raised niece is along for the ride.
A PDF copy of this script is available for free download at Theatre Alberta's e-Script Library.
The camp is situated on an island and the next boat won't be there for a whole week. Worse yet, there is a $1000 fine for those caught wearing clothes on camp property. Will the girls go hungry or strip down to get to the restaurant and avoid paying the fine?
Esther: The Crimson Cap Ladies uber-serious leader
Grace: Snarky, cynical, opinionated aunt of Chelsea
Millie: Aging, addled hippy with a very soft heart
Leona: Wealthy, frugal and extremely modest
Mrs. Garnet: Crimson Cap Nation Regional Director
Chelsea: Grace's niece' who has never seen a man
Mr. Turnbull: Creepy resort owner and manager
Tom: Handsome, young, earnest assistant manager
Constable Wilson: Officious member of the RCMP
Constable Nelly: Wilson's more officious partner
The play's action takes place entirely in the living room of a beach cabin on an island off the coast of BC in modern times.
This single set play uses a simple three-wall beach house theme with a large picture window with blinds to block out passing "nudists".
Act 1, Scene 1
(The stage is lit for mid afternoon. Esther, Leona, Grace and Millie enter the room in a panic, dragging Chelsea and loads of luggage with them.)
Esther: Get in here! Shut the door! Hurry!
Grace: Oh my gosh! Did you see that?
Leona: Holy Hanna! I'm traumatized!
Millie: What's going on? What did I miss?
Chelsea: I don't know! Everyone seems so worked up. I don't understand.
Esther: Ladies! Don't say anything. Chelsea, honey, umm... Uh... Why don't you go to your room and unpack? Take your time.
Chelsea: Okay, Esther. Whatever you say. Later, will you show me the iron fist that Auntie Grace told me you rule the roost with?
Grace: Hahaha! That kids got the wildest imagination. You really should unpack now, though, go... shoo... that's a good girl... Don't forget your backpack. (Chelsea goes into bedroom. The instant the door shuts everyone begins to talk at once.)
(The next three lines are spoken at the same time. Millie must time her last line so it is spoken after the other girls are done their lines.)
Leona: There's a streaker on the loose! We should call the police!
Grace: What kind of church camp is this with a pervert running around?
Millie: Why is everyone so freaked out? What's going on? I really don't understand what's happening!
Esther: Hush ladies! Chelsea will hear you. I'm calling the resort management. They can deal with it. I’ll have to use this phone. It's not like our cellphones work way out here. (She goes to the desk and looks for the resort directory.)
Millie: Deal with what? Leona, why is everyone in an uproar?
Leona: Jeepers, Millie, didn't you see that naked guy walking down the road when we got out of that stretch golf cart that brought us here from the pier?
Millie: Oh, yeah, him. I think he waved at me. So, anyway, what are you all excited about?
Esther: For crying out loud, Millie. There's a sicko on the loose and you're this calm?
Leona: Yes, Millie. How can you be so blasé about this? If the good Lord had meant for us to walk around naked, He wouldn't have invented yoga pants.
Esther: Oh my gosh!, Mr. Turnbull!
Millie: I think I killed him! (She exits down the hall crying.)
Esther: I think I feel a pulse but it might be my own, my heart is pounding so much.
Leona: (Gasping.) I... Th... think I'm having an anxiety attack! (She starts to hyperventilate loudly.)
Esther: (Going to her and shaking her.) Get yourself together, Leona. We need you to go see Millie and make her understand this lowlife didn't collapse because of her. We're counting on you to be there for your friend.
Leona: You're right, Esther. Millie needs me. (Exits down the hall.)
Esther: Grace, you and Chelsea have to get Mr. Turnbull behind the couch! The last thing we need is for them to find a body in our room. We'll be stuck here forever! Hurry while I'll get the door.
Grace: Let's go. Grab a foot, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Sorry! Hiding bodies is new to me!
Grace: You get used to it.
Esther: (Through the closed door) Who is it?
Tom: My name is Tom; assistant manager of this facility. I'm looking for Mr. Turnbull.
Esther: He's not here.
Tom: May I come in? I'm not used to hollering at people through a door.
Esther: We're not really dressed.
Tom: There's a lot of that going around this place. Don't worry, I'm used to it. I don't even flinch much, anymore.
Esther: Are you naked? No one wants naked men running around our cabin.
Grace: Under normal circumstances, I would argue that point.
Tom: Am I naked? Of course! Are you kidding? You think I can afford a thousand bucks on my salary?
Esther: Hang on. We'll find something for you to wear. Grace, grab whatever is on top in my bag there.
Grace: Who do you think I am? Leona's stand-in?
Esther: Just grab something and step on it!
Grace: (Grabbing a garment that is tightly rolled, shrugs, steps on it, then hands it to Esther.) Here you go.
Esther: (Opening the door a crack.) Here, put this on... Oh Jeepers! (Slams the door and waves her hand in front of her face.) Oh my!
Chelsea: Are you okay, Esther? You look kinda funny.
Esther: I thought I recognized him from that dating site for a second. I mean...
Tom: I'm ready!
Esther: Whew! (Opens the door to a smiling, 25-ish man who is wearing a sexy negligee.)
Tom: This is all you could find for me to wear?
Grace: You guys make us wear that stuff. Turnabout is fair play.
Mrs. Garnet: The flag has been at half mast for hours now! Why were you still naked?
Leona: Everybody else was naked. We just wanted to fit in. It was kinda fun!
Millie: Leona got right into it. She was the life of the party!
Hortense: This is exactly the type of environment I do not want for poor Tom! Drinking and nudity and who knows what else!
Leona: As a matter of fact, when we were talking to some of the people at the bar, they were telling us what a great young man Tom is. He doesn't even drink. I remember when I didn't drink... All those years I'll never get back.
Millie: The regulars at this resort appreciate him very much. These are mostly rich folk who hang out here all summer. Some tip Tom quite generously.
Leona: You know he makes almost six figures as the assistant manager? Apparently, Mr. Turnbull is a very successful, generous man for a deviant. They say he owns this whole island.
(Grace and Esther come back in wiping their mouths with napkins. Grace is carrying a bag.)
Hortense: I don't suppose you have any left? I can't go into a restaurant full of naked men, never mind going naked myself.
Grace: We saved you some. I was dying inside thinking about having to eat in my birthday suit, myself.
Esther: I agree, actually. Besides modesty issues, eating in the buff presents a lot of challenges for us more endowed ladies. A bowl of hot soup is just an accident waiting to happen.
Millie: I pity the poor cook who has to fry bacon naked. (Simulating a naked cook enduring bacon sizzling) Ow! Ooo! Ouch!
Hortense: You mean even the cook is naked? I guess I'll pass on the takeout. I'm suddenly a bit nauseous.
Leona: Oh for heaven's sake, Hortense. Even you are naked under your clothes.
Hortense: I would rather you didn't remind me of that! Ewww!
Esther: This is hopeless. Look, Hortense, did it ever occur to you that Tom's behaviour is his way of rebelling against your extreme prudishness? Haranguing him won't help.
Millie: Maybe you could try and understand what the attraction of a nudist resort is for him. Really listen to him. It's good to try new things. It might be better than losing touch with him forever.
Hortense: Or, I could just tell people he died while saving a bus load of kids on the way to his bar exam.
Grace: We can't measure our own worth by the actions of our children, Hortense.
Millie: No kidding. One of my kids is an Bay Street banker, but I still love him. I don't blame myself, though because I am proud of the example I set.