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The situation is dire. The town cop has enraged a bike gang and they are out for revenge. The county cops are on strike and the closest RCMP are unavailable to help as they were all on duty burning off a field of illegal marijuana when the wind shifted rendering them unfit to drive. The townsfolk, with the leadership of the brave town staff, must devise a way to defend their town from the marauders.
This exciting play is wickedly fun to perform in with lots of room to make the roles memorable. The play also features a terrific "theatre-of-the-mind" segment during the big battle scene that will have your audiences gripping their seats and cheering with triumph.
A PDF of this script is available for free download at TheatreAlberta's e-Script Library.
Click the link to see this play in the StageAgent catalogue complete with more sample scenes, monologues and in-depth character descriptions.
Edna Farnsworth: A very capable, loyal, nosy clerk/receptionist.
Cedric Bottomly Pompous, excitable English administrator
Harry Jones: A rugged, inventive town foreman with incredible enthusiasm for machines.
Sheriff Shirley Mulroney: Assertive, never intimidated town cop.
Mayor Desiree DuMaurier: Cougar infatuated with the Town Manager.
Martha Muffin: Small but vital reporter. Overly ambitious.
Mrs. Agnes Popowich: Aged, cranky lady with an East European accent.
Rob Fowkes: Large, fierce, mean biker.
The setting is the town office in a small, isolated isolated community in the year 1984 (so no cell phones to save the day!)
The set consists of two offices, side by side separated by a half divider with a door to give the impression of a wall without obscuring the audience view.
There is a service counter between the door and Edna's desk.
Stage Right is a drably decorated town office reception area with an exit to the street downstage right.
Stage Left is The Town Manager's office with an exit downstage left.
Cedric: Good morning, Mrs. Farnsworth, how are we today?
Edna: We are finer than frog’s hair, Mr. Bottomly. I slept very well last night.
Cedric: Oh? And what do you attribute to your refreshing sleep?
Edna: I’m afraid, Mr. Bottomly, the answer is far more personal than I’d like to share!
Cedric: Oh my goodness, Mrs. Farnsworth I didn’t mean to pry!~ I was ... er.. uh.. I was...
Edna: (laughing) Don’t worry, I’m just yanking your chain of office. Anyway, we have three angry letters, four invitations to conferences and some government paperwork for you to sign.
Cedric: (removing hat and coat) What are the angry letters about?
Edna: (flipping through letters) Let’s see… the taxes are too high, another claims they saw a young public works employee taking a break three minutes longer than the labour standards calls for... and the last is a rather uncharitable critique on your intelligence. The grammar is poor but the vocabulary is quite varied and expressive!
Cedric: Mrs. Popowich must have got her typewriter fixed.
Edna: (crumpling up letters and tossing them over her shoulder into a wastebasket) Yup. They are all from her. What a pain in the...
Cedric: Now, Mrs. Farnsworth, we must learn to respect the opinions of all of our taxpayers.
Edna: What if they’re grumpier than a menopausal grizzly?
Cedric: Yes, even Mrs. Popowich.
Desiree: (In sultry voice) Hello, Cedric.
Cedric: Ms. DuMaurier!
Desiree: I decided to do a little electioneering so I am picking out this year’s calendar ensemble. What do you think of this one?
Cedric: Oh dear! Oh my! You said... you said we would be professional! I didn’t mean that kind of profession!
Desiree: If you don’t like this one, I could always just take it off...
Cedric: NO! No no no no! That’s fine. The more clothes the better!
Desiree: The voters think otherwise. You have to give the people what they want. Why are you such a stick in the mud?
Cedric: I am not a stick of any description. Now please leave before someone comes in or both our names will be mud. What if that reporter should return? What if Mrs. Popowich should walk in?
Desiree: You worry far too much. Nobody’s coming in, now c’mere you big lug.... feed me bonbons...
Cedric: Oh good heavens. Surely you can feed yourself bonbons. It looks like you’re no stranger to them...
Desiree: If you don’t feed me a bonbons I will yell for help and claim you were attacking me. And don’t make a face like you smell pickled sewage while you’re feeding them to me, or else. Try and look like you’re having fun.
Cedric: (With a sickly smile, Cedric stuffs a chocolate into Desiree’s mouth. She begins to choke on it). Oh my! Oh dear, oh dear... I think I better do the Heimlich Manouver (and Cedric lifts her out of the chair and holds her in the classic pose with difficulty as she is wheezing and gasping and flailing her arms.)
Shirley: (enters DR very excited.) Hey, Edna, I gotta see the Chief right away! I have incredible news! (She walks right past Edna into the office, followed by Edna trying to stop her. Cedric and Desiree freeze in what looks like a compromising position.)
Shirley: Hey, Chief! Guess what I.... oh... sorry...
Edna: Uh... Uh... Mr. Bottomly, Sherriff Shirley is here to see you!
Cedric: It’s not what you think! Come on Ms. DuMaurier! Once more! UNGH! (Shirley’s jaw drops and then suddenly the bonbon pops out of Desiree’s mouth.)
Desiree: Oh thank you Cedric! You saved my life! How can I ever thank you enough?
Edna: Wait, Mr. Bottomly! The phone lines have gone dead!
Cedric: Dead? Are you sure? (Goes back, picks up handle and hammers on cradle.)
Edna: Now why didn’t I think of that?
Cedric: I’ll bet they’ve cut the phone lines to the town! There’s nothing good about this at all!
Edna: Well, Mrs, Popowich can’t call.
(Agnes enters; crowd noise audible.)
Agnes: Vot in de name of all dat is holy is going on here? Is it true dat we’re going to be murdered in our beds? Vot are you doing about it?
Cedric: I assure you, Mrs. Popowich, we are doing everything we can to control the situation but I can’t deny it’s very serious. I suggest you go home and lock yourself in your cold-room in the basement and wait for us to sound the all clear.
Agnes: If you tink I’m going to hide out like a scared rabbit, you are as stupid as I tot. No young vipper-schnapper is going to push Agnes Popowich around! Dis is my town. If you won’t protect it, someone has to. (Turns around to leave.)
Edna: Oh, dear, Mrs. Popowich!
Cedric: Mrs. Popowich, as much as we admire your spirit, I’m afraid I cannot let you engage in vigilantism. My conscience would never allow it.
Agnes: Try and stop me, Bottomly. (Lets go of her walker and assumes a karate pose.) I know kung fu, ju jitsu and three odder Chinese words! HIYAH! (Turns and leaves. As the door is opened crowd noise louder.)
Desiree: (Enters UR) Cedric, the natives are getting restless. Somebody needs to go talk to them. To reassure them. That someone is me. Lock the door behind me and watch for my return.
Cedric: Desiree! Do you think that’s wise? (Looks through blinds.) They look pretty angry out there.
Desiree: It is my duty. Besides, with the election coming up, this speech could very well win it for me. (Desiree heads out the door with the crowd noise even louder. Edna locks the door and goes to the window.)
Edna: Oh my. That crowd is uglier than a baboon’s butt.
Cedric: He he Baboon’s butt... That was a good one, Mrs. Farn... Oh! Where did that tomato come from?
Edna: Oh no! They’ve brought produce! Oh! Right in the face! Boy, Hank’s oldest boy has quite an arm on him.
Cedric: The inhumanity! I’m going after her!
Edna: Mr. Bottomly! It’s too late to save her! You must think of yourself!
Cedric: Quick! My umbrella! (Runs to office to retrieve it.) Lock the door after me!
Edna: (Runs after him and locks the door. Crowd noise very loud. She runs to the window and looks through the blinds.)Oh dear! Oh my! Oh! Oh! Boy! Mr. Bottomly is sure handy with that umbrella! (She runs back to the door to unlock it.) Oh my! Oh dear!
Cedric: (Dragging in a bedraggled, stained Desiree and an umbrella covered in similar stains and a tomato on the point.) GO TO YOUR HOMES! YOU ARE IN GREAT DANGER! DISPERSE OR... OR WE’LL RAISE TAXES TO PAY FOR RIOT POLICE!! That ought to do it. Hurry and lock it Edna! (Edna locks door and goes to check on Desiree.)
Desiree: Oh, Cedric, you came for me!
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